Hell’s 1/4 Mile

Preamble:

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well in this particular case it’s just imitation. So the following is our 5^th Anniversary Backblast as delivered by Aflac.

Shit! How did I miss the Q slot for the anniversary? I should have known Tubbs wasn’t going to take it or even promote the anniversary properly. I mean we had 62 people attend when I was Site Q and now Grease Monkey is leading. For Heaven’s sake – we’re probably going to have to listen to Pearl Jam for 45 minutes while we’re upside-down doing Mike Tysons or some other thing he thinks he’s good at other than running. At least it’s not Foley.

Good crowd so far this morning. I’m sure it won’t be 60 though. Here comes Grease Monkey. Of course, he left cinders somewhere. I bet he didn’t bring enough. Let’s see what happens if he has to improvise. And great – Blue brought the speaker. Queue up the deepest Pearl jam cuts imaginable. This would be way better if I could play Rush. It’s 5:30. Let’s go.

Warm-O-Rama:

Another themed musical workout. Here we go. How many songs can we think of that have the word monkey in them that we can do burpees to. It’s ok. I like burpees. I can probably do 100 before Brass Monkey finishes.

Ok, he said find a partner. Where’s Bear? Crap he’s not here. What about Corky? He’s fast. Damn it. At least Foley isn’t here. Ah, Cliff is here. He’s pretty strong but kinda slow. Wait, we’re stopping during the mosey for warmups? That’s not how we do it Grease Monkey. Can’t we just circle up like we’re supposed to? I’ll just keep my mouth shut and stay up front. It’ll be fine.

The Thang:

Cinder blocks. Ok, they’re not the big ones but whatever. I’m sure he’ll tell us to do some ridiculous amount of reps that most people can’t do and everyone’s form will suffer. Wait a second – where’s my partner? What??? Grease wants to partner? Oh, he’s gonna regret that. Come on.

Why is he bear crawling? He said crab walk. I know he said crab walk. Come on Grease Monkey – get it right.

This is a walk in the park. I bet I could carry these all the way around the pond without dropping them. Figured he couldn’t bear crawl this fast. Let’s see how far he can make it. Wait a second – what are Catheter and Raider doing up here? C’mon Grease Monkey! Damn it I wish Bear was here. Catheter is a good dude though. He likes corvettes too. I should probably check my ignition timing when I get home.

Phew.. at least we still made it around the pond first. Let’s go pick up the six and see how many people are cheating. That’s not how it works Norm! It’s not how any of this works! What are all these guys doing back here? Did they even try to get around the pond? I should have just done two laps.

Round 2 – ok so now we’re really supposed to crab walk? I should have taken more Turmeric. Glad some of these Kotters showed up today. I’m sure they’ll never come back again with all this awful death metal. Way to go Grease Monkey. I’m going to have to recruit harder at the police station. We should probably call an audible. It looks like most have just given up at this point. This smells like poor planning. No way we’re getting two more laps in.

OK lap three. Just running? Piece of cake. What? Why aren’t you finished with the steps yet? C’mon. Where’s the other cinder? This whole thing is falling apart. We should have made this an hour workout in honor of the anniversary. Thanks Tubbs.

Time for the race back to the flag.

COT:

Donor’s the new site Q. That’s good news. He seems responsible. I’m surprised we still have a Wreck after this year.

I bet Grease doesn’t even do a Backblast. Maybe I should do it for him. That would be funny.

Naked-Man Moleskin:

I wonder when they publish the Q sheet for 2023. I’m setting a calendar reminder.