PAX (17): Dumpster, Benny, Chinstrap, Swiper, Whiz, Con Air (FNG), Mr. Hand, Schneider, 5-Way, Shagg, Deuce, Snowman, Baskins, McDuff, Inseam, Spit Valve, Crab Cake
Cob Bostas: Welcome, this is Cob Bostas joining you from F3 Jericho where the Olympic Committee is running through some new events that will debut in 2024 (or 2025 – we’ll see). High ranking athletes aka HIMs have been exclusively invited this dark and damp morning to showcase these events for the world to see. And with that, we’ll throw it down to Tike Mirico for the warm ups
Tike Mirico: Thanks Cob – Surrounding the flag are 16 stellar athletes all in their prime. I’m spotting a new face in the crowd, might be an FNG, either way – he’s really tall. At the Qs call, they start their mosey to the next parking lot. High knees, butt kicks, karaoke, and side shuffles are ordered up. Oh look, entering perfectly on queue, here comes Swiper! Sure enough folks its 5:31. PAX circle up for some SSH, Weed Pickers, Moroccan Night Clubs, and Michael Phelps. Looks like their now making their way to the coupon pile and starting their Rifle Carry Indian Walk to the Football field. Time now to hear from Tichelle Mafoya on the first event.
Tichelle Mafoya: Mike, before we get to that, the PAX are undergoing their standard team forming practice. All PAX are asked to perform Curls… for the girls… AMRAP til Q calls it. I can’t hear it from here, but there’s a lot of mumble chatter happening on that field. How are they even keeping count when the Q specifically asked them to?? Q is calling halt – and has asked all those who ended on an EVEN number to step forward and those ending on an ODD number to step back. These PAX can’t keep count, like seriously just can never do it, Mike, I knew it. Q is bringing balance to all teams.
On one side we have TEAM USA and on the other is TEAM AMERICA
Their First Event will be the Soccer Kick AFAYCTPTOT. For more on the rules of the game and how its played, we’ll turn to Pan Datrick. Pan?
Pan Datrick: Tichelle, in this event, each team will select a kicker to kick the soccer ball As Far As You Can To Penalize The Other Team. For example, if the ball rolls 60 yards, then the opposing team will be issued 6 penalty points, while the kicking team is issued 4.
It looks like Team USA has selected Mr. Hand to start off the event. What an amazing kick! There it goes…40..50… OH it hits a coupon! and stops at 60 yards. PAX sprint to the ball to confirm then relocate to their coupons. Team America has been issued 18 Manmakers (6 x 3) with Team USA clocking in 12 (4 x3)
Spit Valve is up next for Team America..and BOOM at 70 yard kick! That’s 21 Manmakers for USA and 9 for America.
USA huddles up and is now making a last minute adjustment to their line up. Here comes in Inseam. Tichelle, I’ve been covering sports for decades and I have never seen this man on the pitch. Who is he?
Tichelle: Pan, we’re having our analyst look him up right now. Not finding anything but he must be amazing.
Pan: Yes! What an amazing kick!! It’s going at least 80 yards. But wait, it’s not going straight at all. I’ve never seen this before – a 80 yard kick that only gets to the 30 yard line on their OWN side!!!
70 single count forward lunges with coupon suspended above head for Team USA. 30 for Team America.
Team America has selected Benny for the final leg and with good reason, he’s been training at this event for years. And WOW a NEW World Record has been set. This is historic – Benny just pulled off a 90 yard kick!!!!
Benny – how do you feel after this amazing accomplishment?
Benny: I just want to thank the Sky Q above, my wife and my kids, and these fine men surround me. But truth be told, I brought an FNG out today, he works for MY company, and I just needed to STUD OUT in front of him. Believe in your dreams, kids – Anything is possible!!
Pan: Amazing work Benny, looking forward to seeing you in 2024. Back to the field where PAX are issuing out 50 lunges. Looks like an audible half way through – Q is calling for 30 Big Boy Situps with the coupon.
At conclusion of this event, there’s no question Team America has taken the W. Tike?
Tike: This next event, called IndianBearCrawlSoccerDribble, is fairly easy to understand but probably hard to explain. We’ll send it down to Taria Maylor who will try her best.
Taria Maylor: Tike, I’ll try – Teams will line up in a bear crawl race formation. The only twist is, a soccer ball starting at the front PAX will be sent down the line of PAX via hand rolls to the last PAX in line. He then will stand up and soccer dribble it to the front Indian Run style. Team with all PAX to cross the finish line wins.
Tike: Wow – that is super easy to understand.
Taria: I know – but those PAX are seriously confused. Who’s Q’ing this thing?
And they’re off! Team USA with an early lead…and they’re keeping that lead to the half way mark. But look, here comes Team America for the final stretch. USA just doesn’t have enough in the tank to keep their lead. America now even with USA… and Wow a photo finish. America wins it by 0.04 seconds. Another Gold for Team America.
Tike, that’s two big fat L’s for Team USA. You know what happens when a team really wants to get a medal right?
Tike: I do – and let’s hope no team today stoops low enough to that level. Back to you Cob.
Cob: This is a new twist on a classic game. Futbol MerkCrabBall. Here’s Barles Charkley for more on this sport.
Barles Charley: Cob, this is a stupid sport. It’s just a stupid sport. First of all, you got one team playing defense by crab walking in circles around the lacrosse goal. How you gonna use a lacrosse goal for soccer? Not only that, they have to stay so close to each other to keep the ball from getting in. Then the offense team has to form a Soul Train line – and while doing Merkins pass the ball from the furthest PAX down to the final Shooter. Look – none of these guys belong on Soul Train, except for maybe Snowman. Now Snowman’s got some moves, but eeryone else needs to stay they butt home. But like I say – this is stupid. Each team gets 3 tries, then they switch.
America is up first and they get 1 out of 3 goals! USA is up next. Oh – what an upset. I called it 2 months ago. USA with 2 out of 3. Looks like they get the gold medal in this event. Wait….Q is saying he doesn’t like to lose. So he’s calling for another round. This is a bad move, Cob. I see a lot of grumblechatter from Team USA. If they play one more round, I guuaaaranntee there will be a melee in the field.
Cob: Let’s hope it doesn’t go that far, Barles.
Barles: Team America on offense again and.. is the goal spinning around? what?! Deuce from America gets up to shoot. Runs to the back side of the goal and is about to shoot.. woah!! he’s blind sided by Chinstrap from USA. Time now for a message from our sponsors as Deuce undergoes Concussion protocol. America’s next 2 attempts fall flat.
Ok, here goes USA on offense, the shot attempt is blocked by the FNG (I told you he was huge). But the rebound is secured and goal scored by 5-Way. Time out called by Team America. Everyone but Deuce is in the huddle. OK here comes Team USA for the next shot. Team America flips the goal down just as the shot is approaching. But there’s a PAX stuck under the goal… its… Deuce!!! oh no. After the concussion, he’s now being check for an ACL tear. No one told Deuce the plan.
And even though the goal is flipped, 5-way and Chinstrap are wrestling against Benny and FNG to get the goal back up… and yes they sneak one in!! Team USA for the win! Cob, this just crazy – back to you.
Cob: As we conclude tonight’s broadcast, you’re seeing PAX return their coupons and perform Mary’s at the flag. Snowman’s got the call and you guessed it… American Hammers. Let’s turn our attention to the Medal Ceremony.
Soccer Kick AFAYCTPTOT: Team America wins Gold
IndianBearCrawlSoccerDribble: Team America wins Gold
Futbol MerkCrabBall: Team USA steals Gold
Praises for Snowman’s friend and his road to recovery.
Praises for Celebration of Life for Inseam’s great grand father in law.
Prayers for Chinstrap’s family mourning the 5 year mark for brother’s passing.
Prayers for Benny’s friend miracle healing and support for his family.
7/31 F3, FIA, 2.0 Convergence as Norseman 0700 – 0800
8/21 Darth Visor CSAUP at Big Creek. Please order shirts by today.
A blast to have you HIMS humor me and cooperate in these dreamed up events. Didn’t know how it would go off but with you all, everything is fun nonetheless. The goal was for us to get so wrapped up in competition that we didn’t realize the BeatDown we’re experiencing. Did anyone realize you bear crawled for about 90 yards this AM?